The Category is Femme Queen Realness: How Fashion Helped Me Find Myself
On June 3rd 2018, FX premiered Pose, a new show looking at the ballroom scene and culture of the 1980s. For those that are unfamiliar with those terms, a ball and ballroom culture refers to the subculture of the LGBTQ community. Within this space is where you find people who have been cast out of mainstream society and have made a world of their own where you can exist as who you are. The balls feature ‘houses’ where people find safety and family. This is where two houses compete or ‘walk’ to win trophies and prizes.
Much of the slang within the LGBTQ community comes from the LGBTQ community of color that would occupy this space. With the rise of the iconic 1990 film, Paris Is Burning, mainstream America got a glimpse into the world of ballroom culture and walking. This film was a catalyst for Rupaul’s Drag Race, Madonna’s hit song Vogue, Pose and various other pop culture related media.
While watching the pilot episode, I was reminded of how fashion has allowed me to find my voice. The characters within this show would wear the most elegant and most well put together outfits. Busts, heels, bras, and all. When I first came out in late October of 2016, I was so afraid to wear certain things because of how self-conscious I was of my body. I didn’t like showing off my shoulders because I thought they were ‘too manly’ and I didn’t like wearing low-cut dresses because of the little hair on my chest. Moving forward, I began to show more skin. Little by little. Piece by piece. Over time, I found confidence in myself through clothing, heels and makeup. The first time I did my own makeup, I felt beautiful and gorgeous in a way that I never really felt before. During my time before I came to college, I had no sense of fashion. The majority of my clothes were picked out for me because I never felt comfortable wearing men’s clothing. I would wear pants that would be too big on me as well as shirts that would be a size larger than my frame and I felt so uncomfortable. Now, I find myself feeling like a runway model straight out of New York City. The more I upgrade my look, the more I’m learning about the privilege that comes with being deemed as ‘pretty’ and ‘passable’.
To pass is to be able to move through society and be able to easily conform to the beauty standards of this cisnormative society where being visibly trans can often be seen as being less than. In the trans community, many individuals strive to pass for various reasons, whether it be to quiet the dysphoria that we may feel about our bodies or to not have to deal with the discrimination that we frequently face. No trans person is the same and therefore, everyone has a different reason as to why they want or do not want to pass. Speaking on my own experience, I try to not focus on passing because I see it as this cisnormative concept where I have to pass to please cis people. Despite my efforts of not trying to think about this, I find myself worrying that if I didn’t put on makeup with this dress, will they see me as a guy?
Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve began to notice that people read me as woman without my having to tell them. This brings me joy but also reminds me that I need to check my privilege and analyze the struggle that comes with not passing. When society deems you as ‘not passable’, there is sometimes a fear that’s associated with that because you aren’t seen as ‘woman enough’ when it comes to being a trans woman. For many ‘non passible’ trans women of color this can mean violence and even death. No one talks about the fear of riding public transportation because you don’t want to deal with discrimination or how much of a struggle it can be to simply walk to the store.
On the 14th of May, I went to New York City. While walking the streets, I would have my wig on, my face beat, and clothes planned out days in advance. Men would make comments towards me on the street and some would stop me to compliment my outfit. Women would tell me how beautiful I was and even Broadway performers at the stage door would be struck by certain things that I would wear to shows. Whether you agree with it or not, there is privilege in being seen as ‘pretty’ and ‘passable’ and that needs to be recognized within the trans community. My love of fashion, shoes, and makeup has pushed me into this world of being seen in a way that I didn’t experience before I came out and Pose is a reminder why: you’re able to find yourself and live your truth among people who understand what you’re going through whether you ‘pass’ or not. You learn that you aren’t alone.
originally posted on Diaryofamadblacktransgirl.com
