Dear Cis Men, A Letter From The Unbothered Black Trans Woman.

Dear Cis Men,

What is it that makes you go online and attack me for my identity through messages? I’ve sat with these feelings for a while and realize that I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve having to wonder if your guy friends are going to make a joke about my transness. Is it something that happened in your childhood or when you were younger? Is it because you think this is how you have to act? I want answers. Do you realize the amount of harm you’ve caused by calling me a tranny, a crossdresser, a man, a liar and referring to me as bro? it’s because of your words, your stares, and the comments you’ve made that has led me wanting to end it all. Why? Just explain to me why you feel the need to attack trans people?

If I were to confront you right now at this very moment and ask what led you to this? What would you say? You don’t have to be transphobic or homophobic and, yet, you choose to be. This has nothing to do with wanting to keep kids safe or wanting to uphold family values. This is about you dealing with some kind of discomfort where you feel the need to act out when you see a trans person.

You can keep using all the excuses you want to mask your transphobia but at the end of the day, there’s something you’re dealing with that you don’t want to admit. We are beyond using the excuse of I don’t understand this shit. Well, I’m not asking you to understand, I’m asking you to look beyond your own identity and acknowledge your discomfort. When I look at your face, I can clearly see you’re bothered by my existence, but you don’t want to let your bros know. You don’t want people to know that I may have put your masculinity into question. If you’re a white man, you might wonder what the fuck is that? If you’re a black man or a man of color, you might see me in public but won’t interact with me. Both of you will probably download Grindr with no face pic and a bio that says, ‘looking 4 trans/cd/sissy’. You might send me a dick pic and expect me to send nudes but get upset when I say no.

Are you attracted to me? Do you want to fuck me? Does the thrill of seeing a woman with a penis turn you on? Maybe it does. They say that people act out when they’re uncomfortable and I can tell when you’re uncomfortable. I’m not here to question your manhood, you’ve managed to do that all by yourself. Your manhood isn’t defined by your attraction or who you hang out with. Your manhood is defined by if you see yourself as a man. If you identify as a man, then you are a man. This has nothing to do with you wanting to be with a trans woman and not wanting to admit it.

I would love to put you in a room where you and I are separated by a safety glass. The only thing you can see beyond the 4 white walls is me. I would just sit on my end of the room and grill you on the reasoning behind that rude shit that you tell me. Maybe after a couple of intense questions, you’ll crack. It’s not the fact that you’re stuck in a room that brings me joy, it’s the fact that I can confront you with the rude messages you sent me online. Don’t worry, you’ll be fed but you wouldn’t leave until I got the answers that I want.

For the cis men reading this: I truly hope you’re uncomfortable. Sit with that discomfort. Maybe you’ll finally admit the things that you’ve been ignoring for so long. As I write this on my computer, I think of myself as the girl taking back the joy that you’ve stolen from me through your ignorance. If you realize through the trauma you’ve caused that you want to fuck trans girls, good for you, just know you won’t be fucking this trans girl.

Sincerely,

A unbothered black trans woman